Megane
by Kit Spooner
Summary: Two tales of Kabuto: First, Sasuke gets beaten up Second, Shizune gets drunk.
1. Megane

"Megane"

Notes: This was written as a Christmas present for Aishuu, who I was a Secret Santa for. These are two completely unconnected stories about Kabuto. This one takes place shortly after Sasuke (the rat bastard!) arrives at Orochimaru's secret hideout (NO GIRLS ALLOWED!1). Happy holidays, Aishuu!

Disclaimer: Mister Kishimoto is the owner/creator of _Naruto_, not myself. Other folks own the rights to the publication of the manga and anime, not myself.

* * *

"Again," Orochimaru barked from his seat to one side of the practice field, eyes narrowed in a measuring gaze. "And try not to hit him in the face this time." 

Kabuto smiled, nodded and tossed off a relaxed, "Yes, sir."

Sasuke panted as he leaned against a wooden training dummy. He wondered, not for the first time, whether this whole thing was a mistake. It was the sixth week after his arrival at Hidden Sound and he'd spent the vast majority of his time getting beat up by Kabuto under the guise of 'training.' Well, at least he was learning to take a fall.

Kabuto came at him before he'd regained his breath, but he dove out of the way as best he could, tucking into a controlled roll before springing back to his feet and darting toward the older man's right flank.

_He's left-handed and glasses impede peripheral vision so I should have a better chance if I work from that angle and maybe I won't end up with a faceful of dirt_ . . .

He ducked under a kunai slash and kicked high enough to knock Kabuto's glasses off. Then, as Sasuke prepared a final strike to the visually-impaired medic, Kabuto kneed him in the side of the head.

Sasuke woke up about twenty minutes later, propped against the training dummy again, a splitting headache blurring his vision. Orochimaru had vanished and Kabuto was holding an ice pack against the boy's temple.

"Guess I hit you a bit hard, there," Kabuto said with a smile that was almost a smirk.

"Asshole," Sasuke muttered.

"Mm," said Kabuto.

They sat in silence for a few more minutes while Sasuke recovered and the ice melted a bit.

"It was a good idea to try the right side," Kabuto finally said.

"Didn't work," mumbled Sasuke.

"Because you underestimated me," Kabuto explained in the dry, instructional tone that Sasuke had quickly learned to despise. It generally preceded a serious ass-kicking, and _always _followed one. "You haven't been paying enough attention to our matches."

Sasuke sulked.

"First," Kabuto began, "You overestimated my dependency on vision. Second, you thought my peripheral vision was weak and impaired. Third, you thought knocking off my glasses would put me at a disadvantage."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "What, your glasses aren't that strong?"

Kabuto pulled his glasses off and carefully slid them onto Sasuke's face.

Sasuke blinked.

"They're just clear glass," Kabuto told him. "No prescription at all."

"You just decided to wear glasses?" Sasuke asked, astonished.

"Well, no, but I fixed my eyes years ago and stopped _needing_ them," Kabuto said, returning his glasses to their proper position. "Body modification's a simple matter to someone with the right sort of training."

Sasuke frowned. "And you're not going to tell me why you still wear the glasses, are you?"

"Figure it out yourself, genius," Kabuto said before he rose to his feet and left the practice field.

Sasuke closed his eyes and readjusted his ice pack. He thought about the way he'd underestimated his opponent so many times, how Naruto had underestimated the man, had been fooled into complacent friendship.

How the lenses magnified the size of Kabuto's eyes, making him look younger, boyish and innocent.

How the glass protected his eyes from simple attacks.

How Kabuto had looked just before walking off, the late-afternoon sun glinting off his glasses was nearly blinding and made it impossible to read the man's facial expressions, impossible to read his next move.

Kabuto had negated Sasuke's Sharingan advantage with two pieces of glass.

_Well, shit,_ thought Sasuke. He stood up, dusted himself off and followed Kabuto.


	2. Three

"Three"

Notes: This is the other half of Aishuu's Secret Santa present. Happy Holidays and Such for Aishuu from Kit (thetwit)!

This one's a very strange Naruto story in which I have played very fast and loose with the timeline and most definitely with the ages of most everyone involved. I fail! Haha.

Disclaimer: Mister Kishimoto is the owner/creator of _Naruto_, not myself. Other people own the publishing rights to the manga and the anime, not myself. Permission has not been granted to screw with the characters as thoroughly as I have.

* * *

Naruto was drunk. Or at least, he was as drunk as it was possible to get with a preternaturally speedy metabolism. In truth, he was feeling pleasantly blurred. It was a nice place to be for his eighteenth birthday.

The birthday celebration had been tapering down for about an hour. Kiba and Hinata were still playing darts on the other side of the bar; Kiba had lost so many times that he probably owed his teammate the deed to his house. Jiraiya and Tsunade had staggered off into the street a few minutes ago. Sakura was passed out next to Naruto, her head on the table, cushioned by her folded arms. Naruto periodically wiped drool from the corner of her mouth, but he was mostly chatting with Shizune, who was a talkative drunk, it turned out.

"So you actually knew Kabuto before he defected?" Naruto asked. "You were in a three-man cell with him?"

Shizune smiled sloppily. "Oh, yes. We were very close."

"So, any idea what made him go bad the way he did?" the boy asked, pouring her another round of sake.

"Oh, he didn't 'go bad,'" she said with a nod of thanks for the drink. "He was always like that, really."

"He was always evil!"

"Nah, not evil," Shizune said. "He was . . . careful. He was a bit of a genius that way. Always calculating the odds and having a backup plan and all that stuff. He was _brilliant_, you know."

Naruto shook his head. "But what happened, then?"

Shizune smiled and poured sake for Naruto. "He made his choice a long time ago, Naruto, probably sometime when he was on my team . . ."

* * *

I recognized the small boy with the shaggy black hair and snapping scarlet eyes, but had never had any classes with him and was therefore completely flabbergasted when our sensei introduced him.

"Dango?" I was torn between incredulity and pity for the sullen-looking boy. "Your name is actually _Dango_!"

Dango bared his teeth at me. "Wanna make something of it!"

Tsunade broke up the impending brawl by continuing the introductions as though nothing was happening. "And this is Kabuto."

The silver-haired boy smiled and waved genially. All I really knew about him was that he was at the top of his class and he was an orphan. I smiled shyly back at him. He was, after all, kind of cute. Hey, I was only fourteen at the time, so I think I can be forgiven.

"And this is Shizune," Tsunade continued.

I beamed at her. Even before I'd gotten to know her, she'd been my idol. And now that I'd managed to get assigned to her team, I was going to be sure to impress the hell out of her.

"The three of you have been selected for this cell," Tsunade began, idly fingering the bottom edge of her Jounin vest, "Because all of you have showed an interest in the specialized art of the medic nin. So now you get to give it a shot. I'll be teaching and evaluating you. And if you screw up, I'll be there to save your asses. Until you graduate the program, of course." She smirked.

"Now, we're not really doing any training today," Tsunade told us. "But I'd like to hear about your reasons for wanting to learn medical ninjutsu." She pointed at me. "You first."

I faltered only briefly. "Well, it's supposed to be the most challenging style and I love challenges. Plus, Hirumo-sensei told me that my advanced chakra-control would be particularly useful for a medic nin." I flashed my megawatt smile and waited for the praise.

Tsunade ignored me and moved on to point at Dango. "You."

Dango shrugged. "I want to learn how to use medic techniques to up my strength and stamina so I can be more powerful."

Kabuto's answer was the briefest and the most cryptic. "It seems interesting."

"Well, lovely," said Tsunade, her mouth quirking into a half-smile. "We've got a smirking opportunist, a muscle-bound moron and a smart-ass pretty-boy." She sighed. "Well, I'm going to leave you guys to get acquainted while I see off my teammates who actually got a _mission_ assignment instead of being saddled with a bunch of kids."

She strode off, back toward the village. "We'll meet again tomorrow at noon. Same place."

The three of us stared after her.

"That was interesting," Kabuto said.

"Seriously," Dango agreed.

"She's not usually like that," I defended my idol. "She's just pissed she's off active duty for a while due to some lingering nerve damage."

The boys looked at me and I blushed under their questioning gazes.

"She's my Uncle Dan's girlfriend," I explained.

"Oh," said Dango, obviously not really interested.

Kabuto smiled at me in a way that made me blush even more. He really was quite charming with that gentle smile and the way his eyes crinkled at the corners just slightly.

"You must know Tsunade-sensei already, then," he said.

I nodded.

"I've admired her for a long time," Kabuto admitted. "If I buy you lunch, will you tell me about her?" His smile suddenly turned sheepish. "I mean, is that enough of an excuse to ask you out? I'm not too good at this kind of thing . . ."

I shut him up by linking my arm through his and leading him back toward town. "Good enough for me," I told him.

We'd taken no more than 5 steps before I remembered poor Dango. I turned back to ask if he wanted to come along but he was gone.

* * *

Kabuto turned out to be a fantastic study buddy as well as a courteous and attentive boyfriend. We saw each other nearly every day for those first few weeks. We'd meet at the sweets shop that Dango's parents ran and study for . . .

* * *

"Wait, you _dated_ Kabuto!" Naruto was horrified.

"Well, yeah, a little," Shizune replied. "He was very nice, and kinda cute."

"Ew," said Naruto.

"Hush," she said.

* * *

We'd meet at the sweets shop that Dango's parents ran and study for our sessions with Tsunade-sensei, who turned out to be a gifted medic and a shitty teacher. Dango never joined us, but we generally didn't notice. Dango tended to be the noisy, obnoxious sort of guy you ignore in hopes that he'll go away.

Kabuto and I practiced our new medic techniques on each other when it was possible and not too dangerous. We made a great team, and even Tsunade commented on it a couple times during class.

Two months after Tsunade pulled us together as a team, Dango beat both Kabuto and myself in a sparring session. Kabuto and I were about to demonstrate a new binding technique we'd just made up when suddenly Dango was moving incredibly fast, so fast my eyes couldn't follow his movements. Before I could prevent it, he darted behind me and slammed an elbow into the pressure point at the base of my spine, locking all of my muscles. I toppled to the ground and watched Dango do exactly the same thing to Kabuto.

Tsunade just stood there with her arms folded over her breasts and stared at Dango who was grinning like a moron and looking inordinately pleased with himself. "Interesting technique," Tsunade said, no expression on her face.

"I just made it up," Dango said, his pointed little face alight with the joy of success.

"How?" Tsunade asked.

"I've been researching ways to channel tiny blasts of chakra through some of the classic pressure points I've been memorizing from some scrolls I got at the library and . . ."

"Not that," Tsunade said. "The speed jutsu."

Dango froze, his mouth open. "Oh, I don't know. I just sort of . . . did it."

Dango was a pretty awful liar.

Tsunade frowned at him.

"It was pretty badass, wasn't it?" Dango added, recovering his composure and grinning again.

Tsunade's frown faded. "Yeah, kid. Nice job." She ruffled the boy's hair and moved over to release Kabuto and me from our frozen positions on the ground.

I grumbled once I was able to sit up and rubbed my back. I was going to get a splendid bruise, I suspected.

I turned to Kabuto to make some sort of funny comment about our twin face-plants but froze when I noticed the expression on his face.

It was possibly the only time I've ever seen Kabuto unguarded. His face was full of wonder and fascination, and a sort of barely-checked desire that was in no way sexual. He was staring at Dango, who was still grinning despite also watching Tsunade-sensei a little nervously and itching at his neck bashfully.

The next day Kabuto called me and told me that his aunt had asked him to help her out with farm chores and he wouldn't be able to make it to our usual meeting at the sweets shop.

I was . . . thrown.

* * *

Dango turned out to be a nice kid once you got past his exuberance, ferociously independent nature, and his foul mouth. The boy cursed like a sailor when he wasn't bouncing off the walls.

He started joining Kabuto and me for study sessions and we finally became something resembling a team. Dango had a short attention span, but he was smarter than he acted most of the time. Kabuto was patient with him, and quite kind. I followed Kabuto's example.

Our new-found team spirit was an asset during training, but it meant that soon Tsunade starting demanding that we fight her as a team. We were still genins and she was one of the finest shinobi of her generation. Even as a team, we didn't have a chance.

For some reason, Tsunade began to pick on Dango, needling him and jeering when she beat us, as though it was the poor guy's fault.

"It's totally not fair," I said one afternoon at the sweets shop. "You don't deserve that, Dango."

Dango shrugged it off. "Whatever. I guess if she's going to take her PMS out on someone, I'm the best candidate." He smirked. "You know, what with me being so fucking tough and all." He flexed one scrawny bicep.

Kabuto suddenly spoke up. "She's not just being a bitch, guys."

"Eh?"

"She's trying to goad you into using that speed jutsu again," Kabuto said, giving Dango a direct and intense look.

I opened my mouth to disagree, but realized that he was probably right.

"That was just a fluke," Dango lied.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, right."

"Teammates shouldn't keep secrets from each other," Kabuto told Dango in a gently reproachful tone.

Dango stared down at his empty teacup.

I lay a hand on his arm. "We wouldn't tell Tsunade-sensei if you don't want us to . . ."

Dango sighed. "I can't tell you guys. I swore to him that I wouldn't . . ."

"Who?" Kabuto asked quickly.

Dango paled and ran a hand through his messy hair. "No one. I can't tell you." He scratched the side of his neck through the high collar of his shirt and genuinely looked unhappy. "I wish I could . . ."

"It's okay, Dango," I told him, unwilling to upset the guy. "If you made a promise, then I guess you're doing the honorable thing."

I glanced at Kabuto for backup. He was slow to nod in agreement.

Then Kabuto gave Dango the sort of slow, sweet smile I'd grown accustomed to before Dango began joining us at the sweet shop. It was really strange seeing him give that smile to another boy and I wondered whether I'd been mistaken somehow . . .

* * *

I decided, a week later, that I was _going_ to find out who'd taught Dango that mysterious jutsu that had fascinated both Tsunade and Kabuto so completely.

I told myself that I was worried about Dango, that it was because he was my friend and I cared about him.

I secretly missed the way Kabuto used to look at me, the way he had recently begun to look at the oblivious Dango.

It was a good thing, however, that Dango was so amazingly oblivious. I would never have been able to trail him so secretly otherwise. I shadowed him for three days before I got lucky and managed to catch him in the middle of a clandestine meeting.

Unfortunately, it wasn't a meeting with his mysterious teacher.

Dango was seated on a log and looked more unsure of himself than I'd ever seen him, his fingers absently picking bark off the log. Kabuto knelt in front of him and was talking to him very quietly. I silently crept closer.

"But what about Shizune!" Dango suddenly cried.

"This doesn't have anything to do with her," Kabuto said, his quiet voice very intense. I didn't much care for the way he was looking at our teammate.

"Of course this has to do with her!" Dango said. "She's your girlfriend, for fuck's sake!"

I held my breath. Did Dango have a crush on me or something? Were they arguing over me?

"It's temporary," Kabuto said. "We just haven't gotten a chance to actually break up, things have been so busy . . ."

I clenched my jaw. I was going to show him just how temporary things really were . . .

"But . . ." Dango took a huge, ragged breath. "Kabuto, if this is just a way for you to try and learn those jutsus from me, then please don't bother because . . ."

Kabuto lay a hand across Dango's mouth, silencing him. "I don't care about the jutsus, Dango. This has nothing to do with stupid ninja tricks." He smoothed his hand down the side of Dango's face.

Dango shivered and looked down at his lap. "Kabuto," he breathed. "I think you might be confused. You see, I'm not really . . ."

"A boy?" Kabuto smiled and tilted Dango's chin up. "I know. I always knew."

And then Kabuto leaned in and kissed my other teammate with the sort of fervor he'd never really shown with me. And from the sigh that Dango made, it was a good sort of fervor.

I ran.

* * *

I spent the night planning out how I was going to confront Dango about _her_ theft of my boyfriend, about her wiles and whatnot. I put together carefully-constructed insults designed to completely break her will. When I was done with her, she'd be begging me for any scrap of forgiveness.

The actual confrontation went a little differently.

I stormed into the sweets shop, thrust myself past her mother, who was minding the counter, and strode up the stairs to Dango's room. I flung the door open.

"You bitch!" I shrieked. Then I punched her in the nose.

It pretty much went downhill from there. I flung myself at her.

I was so infuriated that I was sloppy. She pinned me pretty quickly then sat on my stomach and held a fine blade of blue-violet chakra at my throat. "Ready to talk yet, Shizune?"

"I hate you," I told her.

"Well, yeah, I figured that out, you psycho," Dango snapped.

"You stole my boyfriend," I snarled, realizing how trite it sounded the moment the words left my mouth.

Dango paled, then blushed spectacularly. "Oh. Were you watching in the woods?"

My glare was answer enough.

"It's not my fault he seduced me," she said.

I saw red. "_Seduced you!_"

Dango tilted her head to one side and peered curiously at me. "Er, I thought you watched us fucking in the woods?"

I gurgled.

"Guess you didn't see that part," she said. "Hm."

Still thoroughly pinned, I could only stare at her with murder in my eyes.

"I think he's trying to find out who taught me the speed jutsu," Dango said, sounding a bit . . . lost. She was the most energetic, optimistic person I know and now she sounded . . .

"And I can't tell him," Dango continued. "Even though I want to! I want to tell you both!" Her eyes filled with tears and I was so shocked that I forgot my mad fury.

"Lemme up, Dango," I said.

Surprisingly, she did as she was told. I sat up and frowned. "What's going on?"

"I have a teacher," Dango said.

I rolled my eyes. "I think we all figured that out already. Why can't you tell us who it is?"

"He's . . . teaching me forbidden jutsus."

My eyes widened. "Dango! You know those are forbidden for a _reason_."

"No, they're not!" Dango's energy suddenly returned to her. "They're only dangerous when used by the wrong people. There's no good reason to keep them secret and locked up in the Hokage's tower." She absently rubbed at the left side of her neck.

"You okay? I didn't get your neck, did I?" I asked her.

She froze. "Oh, no. Just an itch."

I knew she was lying.

It was a simple thing to lean forward and pull down her high collar and stare at the black design emblazoned upon her pale skin.

"Whoa," I said.

"It's a tattoo," she said. She was a really, really bad liar, but didn't seem to know it.

I sighed. "Okay, Dango. I won't tell Tsunade about this. Or Kabuto, for that matter." I tugged her collar back into place. "Just . . . be careful. I think it's a bad idea to meet with whoever-it-is that's teaching you this stuff. It's _dangerous_."

Dango grinned. "Well, _yeah_. All the really powerful jutsu are dangerous." She helped me to my feet. "I'm plenty careful!"

I let her pull me from her bedroom. "If . . . if you get in trouble, please tell me. I'll back you up, Dango, even if things go wrong. Even if you're an insane cross-dresser."

Laughter. "Well, back at the Academy, all the boys tended to go easy on the girls, even when I could whip them really good . . ."

"You're so weird," I added.

"Yup," she agreed proudly.

I headed out of the shop.

"Oh!" she called after me. "And you can stop calling me Dango. My real name's Anko!"

* * *

The design on Anko's neck worried me, but I wasn't sure why. It looked like a seal of some sort, so I checked all through the library, searching for references. I came up dry.

Eventually, I got so fed up that I decided to approach Jiraiya, who was acknowledged to be the most proficient with seals aside from the Hokage.

At nearly-fifteen, I was attractive enough to make gaining his attention an easy enough matter. Getting him drunk enough to be chatty was also pretty easy.

"Wow, you're a lovely young lady," the old lech told me as he leaned in closer, nearly toppling off his barstool.

"You're such a flatterer, Jiraiya-sama," I said, refilling his sake cup.

He smirked at me and waggled his heavy eyebrows.

"Oh, since you're such an expert on beauty," I began, giving him a smile, "I was wondering if you could give me advice on a tattoo I'm thinking of getting."

"Oooh, I like girls with tattoos," he told me, leaning in again.

I gently pushed him back. "I was thinking of getting a design like this." I pulled out a sketch of Anko's symbol and presented it to him. "Maybe on my neck, right here." I put a hand on the left side of my neck where Anko's seal was. "What do you think?"

Jiraiya blinked muzzily and eyed the symbol. "Hmm . . ."

"What is it?" I asked. "I just saw the design and liked it . . ."

"You want a tattoo of this?" he asked, curiously, his voice less slurred than it was a moment ago. "Tattoos are supposed to be pretty, not dirty seals like this . . ."

I held my breath.

Jiraiya was suddenly right in my face and his hand was on my ass. "I bet I could come up with a much nicer tattoo for you and together we could figure out a better place for you to put it . . ."

I pulled away from him so fast that he stumbled. "Uh, thanks, Jiraiya-sama! I'll give you a call sometime when I have the time to discuss it." I backed toward the door.

"Are you sure?" Jiraiya gave me a hopeful smile, eyes twinkling.

"Yes!" I said. I practically ran out the door. Ten minutes later I looked around for my sketch of the symbol, but it was gone.

* * *

Next week Anko was very sick and Kabuto was busy helping out his aunt again. Tsunade canceled classes and I was free to worry about the both of them.

At first I thought that Anko and Kabuto must be continuing their affair in the woods, but when I stopped by the sweets shop to visit, Anko was, indeed, in bed with a fever and a nasty-looking rash.

Kabuto was nowhere to be found, either at Anko's or at his aunt's.

So I stewed about Anko's mysterious seal, but was unable to learn anything about it. I didn't risk approaching Jiraiya again; I thought he might have taken my sketch anyway.

I decided to tell Tsunade about what was happening, but half-way to her apartment, I realized that there really wasn't anything to tell, aside from my vague suspicions and worries. And I'd promised Anko that I wouldn't tell. And I really did trust her to call on me for help if it became necessary.

I was so involved with my own personal inner-struggle that I didn't learn about the battle until long after it was over and by then it was too late.

There were many competing versions of the fight, most pretty dramatic. But I heard the real version from Tsunade a few years later when she was drunk and feeling nostalgic.

Jiraiya had approached Tsunade about the seal I'd spoken with him about. They both knew only one person in the village who was knowledgeable and determined enough to experiment on a young girl.

Tsunade and Jiraiya located Orochimaru one afternoon. He'd called the nominally-healed Anko out for another training session and the other Sannin caught him. Words were exchanged, and then blows. Anko was taken out quickly, despite the power of Orochimaru's prototype curse-seal that was fueling her and muddling her mind. And then Orochimaru fled.

Tsunade kept Jiraiya from giving chase. She's never quite forgiven herself for that.

Anko was in a coma for about a week or so. Kabuto reappeared and we visited Anko together while she was in the hospital.

"I'm leaving on a mission tomorrow," he told me, a couple days before Anko woke up.

"Oh," I told him, not really sure how to feel. I wondered about the status of our strange relationship. It seemed to be predominantly based upon things that we didn't talk about.

"I didn't know about Orochimaru," Kabuto said suddenly. "You have to believe me when I say that." He grabbed my hand and held it tight, his hands very warm and dry.

"I believe you, Kabuto," I lied quietly. "I believe you."

He kissed my cheek once before he left me still standing at Anko's bedside.

* * *

"Wait, that's it?" Naruto frowned. "What the fuck?"

"Yeah," Shizune said. "It was pretty strange."

"Man . . ." Naruto tossed back another drink.

"The mission Kabuto was sent on ended in the deaths of four of the shinobi involved, and the presumed death of Kabuto himself," Shizune continued. "Anko woke up and refused to have anything to do with medical jutsu. I left Konoha with Tsunade, after Uncle Dan died. You know the rest."

Naruto sighed morosely into his empty glass. "So, do you still . . . you know."

"Do I still what?" Shizune poured another drink for him.

"Love him."

Shizune fumbled the sake bottle. "Not really. I never did. Not exactly. It was . . . very complicated."

Naruto snorted and tenderly wiped another dribble of spittle from the corner of the softly-snoring Sakura. "Yeah, complicated I understand."

Shizune nodded.

Naruto suddenly made a horrible choking noise. "Holy shit!"

"What?" Shizune asked.

"_Anko_ slept with _Kabuto_!" He looked seriously disturbed. "Oh, my god . . ."

"Er . . . don't tell anyone, please," Shizune asked, realizing that it was a little late to be saying such things.

"Anko's going to kill me," Shizune mumbled.

Naruto chortled. "And her name was _Dango_. Heehee. Man, I'm never going to let her live _that_ down."

Shizune sighed and gave up on ancient history. Maybe she could outrun Anko's fury and Kabuto's vengeful spirit through the careful application of more alcohol?


End file.
